One for the Masses

To all of my million billion fans,
Please excuse me while I take a request for a post more suitable for the masses. With all the rain, an ugly cut and a subsequent depression that expressed itself on my right back tyre this morning, I gave up to my soul's pleads and decided not to join the ugly world out there. I made a 180 at the gas station and came back home to a second cup of coffee, this time hot, pleased with myself that I mustered the gumption to not look at anymore faces. Working from home has its perks. I actually eat more than once a day and I actually pee more than twice. Unfortunately, I actually do more work too. Anyway, a short while ago I received a complaint that read:

"Your blog is driving me crazy...provide something readable for the poor uneducated masses that don't understand the bulk of your religious references or long-winded hand wringing. Throw us a bone every now and then..."

As I avoided the masses today, I figure I owe it to them tonight. So excuse me as I endeavour for a moment to appease my critic in far far away land.

Dear Linda,

Like ok so today I watched a shit load of television in between answering non stop phone calls from people who speak the language of fuckin' idiot. Since you don't get to watch any tv out there I thought I'd fill you in on what you're missing between the sand storms and the plagues, the tanks and the festering wounds, the biafric, HIV infested children and the septic drinking water. I figure there's no way to make day time tv sound hand ringing and well, we'd all hate for you to come back and not be totally up to date with the really important stuff.

First of all the news was very informative today so it's a good thing I turned on BBC to start. Thank God Paris Hilton is back in her mansion after three horrible days in the private wing of a women's correctional institute without a curling iron. Can you imagine the horror that poor girl must have gone through?

Then Oprah, restored my faith in humanity when she took a group of "women warriors" to a spa where they could relearn how breathe through their diaphragm and love themselves with a mud bath and a treacherous climb up a 35 foot ladder with nothing but a harness and a team of spirit coaches. Oh those brave women! Dem Iraqi Muslim girls could really learn a thing or two!

Then I watched some really great documentary where a horsey girl admitted to her speed date that she'd do anything after 6 drinks and unbelievably he asked her for "cocktails" after the buzzer while yet another girl with a miniature rabbit tail pierced to her chin, begged her sister to support her during her lezbian porn auditions. It made me think of us, Linda, and I dare say that I regret we never had that kind of closeness growing up.

After that, I watched 20 year old Days of Our Lives. No need to catch you up there. The plot has been skipping since you left. No one knows who they are. No one is telling the truth and there's always some woman with an hysterically induced illness. Sheesh..give her a mud bath and a ladder already!

The Man Show! Gotta love that. What is an evening without women in short skirts jumping on trampolines?

And the best ever- Girls Gone Wild is on TV! Yup. If you stay up late enough, on the same channel as the the sin city travel show where the english perv watches the really fat ugly german guy finger fuck ladies- oragsms or their money back guaranteed, you can watch college girls rubbing their bare breasts together. Now that's quality!

So, I thought I would share that with you in case you were thinking of doning a hijab or something having been so far removed from the women's lib movement in the west. Plus, I didn't want you to come back and be like totally out of the loop.

Toodles....

P.S. Who was it that was adamently arguing with me that our society does not oppress, brain wash and otherwise sabotage the minds of our daughters from cradle to grave? Common dear, I love ya but give me a freakin' break! If you still doubt me- watch girly cartoons. They're nothing but a prequel to evening television. Now you know and I know that it's all entertainment and choices lie with the individual and all that other pro-libertarian crap but let's be honest, when we have to be proud of our people for not walking around with shit on their asses (wink wink dad) can we really expect them to be immune to the filthy degrading woman munching sexism being blatantly promoted out there? I think it's great fun but then I've never been ashamed of my balls.